Thursday, June 05, 2008

woke up around 10 cause i cant really have a good sleep during the whole night, im darker now, ishish! but its worthty and darling got darker too,.. (;

have an hour talk with my sister b4 i slept last night, mayb i think too much but sometimes i do realise it and its the truth! Am the eldest in my family, except for my cousin sister, but we both have the same "layan-ness", (ignore her's) since i was young till now, no body have a good opinion of me, since i was form2-3, i admit i was a freakin bad ass last time, never study, ponteng aje,.. but atleast i never learnt to smoke and things that much more worse kay, but after all these, since i was form4, my character, my att was 360 degree change (if u do realise), because of 1 black spot, everyone look down on me, except for my mom and my father's sister.. i have no supporters among all my fmailies, only my mom and my aunt.. why do everyone's eye can only spot on the black dot and not the others white dot? if u guys listen to 988 my Fm, they did said, [ if a teacher draw a black spot on the white board, what do the students see? the students answered the black dot.. ] in this case its telling us we should look wider and look for their goodness and not the bad ones..

sometimes i am totally been left-out from my family, yes! i know every parents do love their children, but sometimes i can see something trough their face, my dad.. he never support me after i break down ONCE! just because the ONCE, he never ever look at my merits, NEVER! i've tried all my best to show him, do to him, in the end he only notice and spot on my demerits,.. why do everyone loves to look down on ppl who low standard than us? ppl who low standard than us they might have better heart than us?

since i was in high school, i start to learnt to hang out with friends,.. whenever i asked for a permission to go out, i have to ask for FEW TIMES or sometimes not even dare to ask cause i know the answer.. i know my limit okay, u want me to be back home before 4-5, i did it, and that's the reason i go out around 10 so that i acn have more times with friends when outing, yesterday was the FIRST time, i went out home around 9am and be back around 8pm, u ahve to know im going lagoon and u know normally some ppl do play until the lagoon close only the balik, then i told mom i will had my dinner before i come back home, and this is what u show me and this is what ur reaction to me, i admit it was my wrong for coming home late but why cant u be more like mummy more understanding? just was my FIRST time aight, i know u dislike i hanging out with friends, even those friends mummy know, am already cut down and just hang out once in a FEW MONTHS, or even sometimes lied to my friends that i cant go (sorry friends) because i dont want to see ur face instead of u letting me out, it's hurtful when i got my permission to go out then i have to see ur face showing like that and u blame mumym and everythign! i love you dad, that's why i asked myself to be better and never let u look down on me! but why am i getting the diff treatness than my sis? why do she have to asked once will do for an outing and when i asked u show me that face? do u ever understand or even try to know my feelings? i admit i never tell u all once about my feelings/what's in my heart, 1st, im 17, an adolecense, i want to settle my things in myself and i know how tired u and mummy work, i dont want u both add stress because of me.. but i know what's in u and mummy's heart, i can see everything with my eyes..

i remember when i was std6 asking for a permission to have a trip with schl, that was my graduate trip, i asked and asked for duno how many times and end up i cried cause u both shouted at me, and at the end because mummy's friend convice u both that's why i mange to go, but sis? she asked for only ONCE to go genting, and u both allowed her, did i ever blame anytihng or what? i never blame anytihng for having everythin diff, last yr/last 2yrs, rmb? it was FEW times already, we were going out shopping/dinner, and u all left me out at home, forget about me.. did i ever hate u all? i was crying in my heart, i felt sad cause since that day, i do really realise everything i have.. i know i am very good that i have tihngs better, i never blame anytihng, but because i am the eldest daughter, am understanding and understand everything meanings, i teaches sis what is good and bad, not to say i know the world very well but atleast i know more than what they know, i teaches them everything and the whole family said i teaches them to be bad and asked them not to be that close to me or listen to me? am i that kind of person? teaching my sis bad? PLEASE okay..

and this i will NEVER forget, i gave up on my toe for a year already, and now i decided to go for that surgery because i am really sad that i cant wear pretty shoes, i cried, but when i've do my decision, what was ur 1st word to me? do u remember? (am not gonna script it out), the point is u were laughing on me instead of supporting me! i cried after that in my room, did u ever know what is my feelings? i wanted to be an IT and study IT course, u are not supporting at all but breaking my dream, i know IT is really hard to study but i trust myself, even mummy also support me even tough she know it is hard.. but i dint stop my dream, i will success it and tell u im not a failure!

u never noticed me, i dont even wish u will notice me, but one thing, when my studies got improved, u are so entertain me, even like laughing at me, i dont mind.. cause i know i can do much more bettter in my next term even without ur supports! the more u look down on me, the more i will show u how high am i!

this are all the reasons why friends are more important to me, cause they will be much more understanding and they are always my supporters, Friends Rock my world (: boyfirend, u too.. muackxx

Thank you very the muchii for wasting ur precious time for reading this (: teehee,

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